Down. Not Broken.

It’s 2023. April 6th, a Thursday. The early afternoon sun is creeping in through the window, the blinds barely holding the rays back. But it feels nice, it’s warm and inviting. Right now, I’ll take this feeling.

Because I’ve only been feeling empty. I haven’t been myself lately. And I’ve hurt others. I’ve lied, and I’ve manipulated.

I lost the Dreamer. I forgot who I was, but not anymore. I stumbled upon my journey, but I rise and stand today. To the “Sickness,” you may have invaded my body and my mind, but there’s one thing a Dreamer always keeps: his expansive mind. And I intend to keep that alive, for that energy within is pure and will drive me to where I need to be. I need to experience this in the moment, all of it. The ugly truth, the truth and the beautiful honest truth. I yearn for that, I want to bare my soul and build it true from scratch, a true cleanse and detox of mind and body. That’s the energy I am on. That’s where I’ll be.

Still Alive.

2023.

I’m still here, still struggling. But I’ve got a lot to share. I’ve learned a lot in the last five years. Sometimes I’m afraid that I don’t recognize who I am anymore.

But I’m still me, just a different version. I’m working on being a better version of me. I’ll always want to me the best version of myself.

.. If we could only see us now..

April 22nd, 2018.

Four months in, and these days are a blur.  Every single day, faster than the previous one.

Time going so fast that I never completed my NYC blog post.  I just posted the draft, since I will not finish the post.  Figured I would let it be live on the Internet, instead of collecting dust in my draft posts.

Why not, right?

New York City, September 2017.

Four days really did fly by.  Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday gone in an instant.  But the things that I will remember, will last a lifetime.

My brother lives in New York.  He’s lived there for more than a decade now, far from the streets of Santa Ana, CA where we grew up.  This trip is only the second time we’ve ever visited him, which seems odd to type out.  But in fact, most of the time he was visiting us here in California, since between school, work and financial reasons, it had always been easier for him to travel solo and visit us “back home” than it was for the 4 of us siblings to travel and visit him in NYC.

Things have definitely changed in the last couple of years.  With all of us settling in with our careers and others having a more concrete school schedule, it was inevitable that we would venture out to the East and pay our older brother a proper visit.  I mentioned that this was the second time we visited, however, this trip was a little different in that is was a “boys trip”.  Our sister did not travel with us this time, as she had just returned from her own trip to NYC and Philly a few weeks earlier.  She had the privilege of reporting back to work and school while we launched the Final Trip of the Summer, as we happily dubbed it.

With all that being said, I’ll jump right into it.

Day 1 – September 9th.

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At Sacramento International Airport. Our flight was delayed 45-minutes.

It was a red-eye flight.  We departed Sacramento at 12:30am and landed at JFK at about 8:15am.  Weary from the flight, we grabbed our bags and made our way to the exits.  We caught an Uber, put our headphones on, sat back and waited to relax on the 90-min car ride.

We arrive at my brother’s apartment, in Chelsea, just before 10am.  We drop our bags off, freshen up a bit and immediate head out to start the day.  Our first stop?  The bodega on W 16th St, as we had to stock up on groceries for the trip.

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The Bodega

So with milk, eggs, bagels, and waffles in hand we head back to the apartment.  We quickly gear up, grab our day bags and head out.  It was time to adventure:

 

August 23rd, 2017.

I saw the eclipse. It was three days ago.

I bought a laptop. That was also three days ago.

I feel like myself again.  Free to explore my creativity once more, with the past two years being a blur.  Long hours at work, short hours with friends. This isn’t how I envisioned it would go.  This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

This stops today.

 

-Bxfz

2017.

Another year in the books.  I know it’s cliché and all, but wow how time flies. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in school, working part-time and trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life. 

Years later, here I am. As I type this up, I can’t help but look back at what could have been.  All the opportunities, all the moments that these past 7-8yrs have provided.  There have been ups, and there have been downs, but throughout it all, I’ve managed to keep my head afloat, eyes forward. 

The person I am today has been shaped and molded by these life experiences, and I am grateful for them.  I may not have thought this is where I was going to be, but it’s where I need to be. 

Onwards and upwards, 2017.

Live Life.

It’s cliché, but it’s true. Don’t be afraid to be who you want to be. Don’t ever let anyone say you can’t be who you want to be. Chase those dreams, reach for the stars and land on the moon. Be around people who want to be around you.

Life is too short to wait on other people.

It’s time to live life.